Some days I write about our everyday family life, more often than not, drawing out the fun, happy or glitter-covered frustrated moments. I don't purposefully omit the more trying times in order to paint a false reality in which no one ever argues, gets on nerves, or flips out here. Most days, the difficult parts are just best put behind me. Either dwelling on them will put me back into a bad mood or it will just come across as whining or bitching. But then there are times I call upon the emotions of a trying time to try to mark a moment in time for me because I am certain one day I will look back and see how far we've come from that moment. Maybe the emotion felt at that time will seem trivial and I won't be able to believe I once fretted about it. Maybe I'll look back and be able to give the old hand a swipe across the forehead and be grateful we survived the moment. Most of these moments inevitably involve parenting. And quite a few come from parenting a child with special needs.
On Tuesday we had a meeting at Emily's pre-school to review all of the testing and assessments that teachers, therapists, and school psychologists have done over the past 6 weeks. Apparently when you have a kid with special needs, everything from her self care to her IQ must be identified to know what exactly her school needs are. And from the information everyone gave us on Tuesday, they truly did get to know Emily. And for that I was pleased. They told us she was kind and friendly and loves going to school. That she is incredibly social. And loving. They told us she has very difficult time focusing and staying on task. That she needs a lot, almost constant, redirection. They identified her skills; what she can and cannot do in various assessments. And qualified that these results were only snapshots in time and she is probably capable of more than what these tests indicated. They told me exactly what I knew about Emily. Nothing they said was new information to me because I make it my business to know what my daughter can and cannot do and I set goals by this information. I try to not have my head in the sand when it comes to her disabilities. We own it and we strive to kick butt in spite of it.
Then they told me what I didn't know, or maybe its more likely what I fear. They told me Emily's peers love Emily. And they accept her. And for some reason in Emily's 5 years, that is something I still cannot hear enough. Shame on me for being surprised by it because I know my daughter and she is the friendliest kid I know. She talks funny, sometimes doesn't make sense and plays differently, but, at least for kids, kindness and friendship translate beyond vocabulary. I wonder if I will ever stop being so needy to hear that she is accepted...
Anyhow, I digress. Back to the meeting.
Then they got out the graph. It honestly took me a bit to recognize what I was looking at. It was a graph that illustrated where a typical 5 year old falls in all the categories they assessed Emily in. And on this graph was where Emily falls. And it was a kick in the teeth to me. Again, nothing they told me about Emily was new information. But to see it charted out was different for me. Maybe that says I'm a visual learner or something else that confirms most of what I hear goes in one ear and out the other; I have no idea. But it also tells me I am a mom, who even though I have accepted my 5 year old daughter has special needs and learning disabilities, I am not always prepared for the reality of it. To see how far behind she is rocked me. I had never seen Emily compared to her peers before. And it sucked. Big. I accept this will likely never change, her being way behind. I wonder if I will ever get used to seeing it spelled out, though....
It was something I shed some tears over because that's therapeutic and all (after I got home, not in the school meeting), and I decided I had to document what my reaction was because I am hoping in 5, 10 15, years this will hurt a little less. And I can look back at this and think: Oh, Jen. Look at how far you've come. I can't believe you were so worked up over pre-school assessments. Look at your beautiful daughter now, graduated from high school, choosing what she wants to do with her life and being awesome at it. She is happy and people accept her and that worry was for nothing... And you should go ahead and get yourself Chanel anything and some botox - you've earned it. :)
I am happy to say we just live our life with Emily and are extremely happy for all that she has accomplished and continues to achieve. Our days are not spent being sad over 'special needs stuff' or anything like that (I would hate to give that impression based on one post about school assessments). In fact, its mostly the exact opposite. She and Casey both bring such joy to us and Emily is, frankly, just one of our daughters. But I also can acknowledge that there are these times when special needs is all up in our face and its difficult.
So this week's meeting went well except for my emotional reaction to graphs and charts. The teachers, therapists, psychologists, and administrators all said the right things to us. But we didn't actually get to writing Emily's IEP in Tuesday's meeting; we'll do that in a couple of weeks. So we still need to get through that meeting, and I will have my fingers crossed it goes well. I wonder if I will always worry about IEP meetings....
It sucks. There has to be a better way to quantify and qualify a child's ability without the gut-wrenching moment you "see" a comparison. Who cares how far below Emily is - use those amazing strengths and hone them as she grows.
ReplyDeleteLove you <3