Being wrong

Sometimes I just love being wrong. Tom, are you reading this??? I CAN admit when I'm wrong....sometimes

Yesterday Tom took Casey to her first Reds game.  Tom and I both were hedging our bets that she would be bored and they would be packing up after 2 or 3 innings.  Therefore, they sat in the cheap seats in the upper deck.  I say cheap seats only if you don't spend $5 on a bottle of water (x2) and another $5 on cotton candy.  Add in a hamburger and chicken sandwich and the seat you sit in anything but cheap.  But I digress....  I gave Tom instructions to take lots of pictures and have her home by 4:30 so she could cool off and eat before vacation bible school that evening.  This shouldn't have been a problem if all went as I predicted.  But it was sometime in the 7th inning he had to drag her away from the ballpark begging to stay!  Turns out I was wrong - she loved the major league game despite the 90 degree heat and was super bummed the Reds lost.  That's my girl!  I'm sorry I underestimated her and love seeing her open and interested in things I thought might bore her or not be girly enough.  Tom is not as diligent as I am about taking pictures (that's why I had to ask him specifically to do it), but I was happy with the memories he was able to capture in order for me to share in on the fun they had:

As I mentioned, vacation bible school started last night.  My friend, Shannon, is running the show and we wanted to attend to support her efforts.  Casey has attended VBS for several years now and has loved the one week experience each summer!  When Shannon mentioned that there was going to be a pre-school group this year, I honestly didn't really consider signing Emily up. 

...Here is where I will interject with some conflicting emotions I have about raising my 2 unique daughters.  At the age of 4 I was nervous about sending Casey off to VBS for 2 hours to be with strangers, but did not consider not sending her, knowing she would have a fun time singing and dancing and playing while learning about God's message.  At the age of 4 I didn't even consider it an option for Emily.  For all I preach about wanting her integrated and to experience typical kid stuff, I find that maybe I can talk the talk but not be able to walk the walk.  Sometimes.  I am grateful for my friends and family who look at what Emily can do and not what she can't.  I need others to push me so I can continue to push her.  To believe in her.  And to believe that others will rally around her and help her have the most positive experience in what ever she is doing.  It's not that I don't believe in Emily and what she can be capable of - it's hard to explain.  I feel the overwhelming need to protect her.  More so than Casey.  (That's some serious mommy guilt there, trust me!)  I want to protect her from others staring or wondering what she is doing.  And protect her from falling or getting hurt.  Or protect her from the frustration she might feel when she doesn't understand what everyone is talking about.  But I am lucky to have Tom, and family and friends who are there to help me realize that sometimes protecting means holding her back....

So we're back to talking about VBS.  We decided to sign Emily up after all.  On the condition that I would stay there and help her.  We showed up and the program began in the gathering area.  I stood next to Emily near the pre-school group.  She was miserable - wanting me to pick her up, screaming out when the leader asked for quiet, attempting to run off.  After 20 minutes of me trying to convince her to cooperate, I was giving serious thought to packing it up and going home.  Saying, yeah, we tried but she just isn't ready.  The congregation dismissed to their smaller groups and I took a deep breath and decided to stick it out.  Just that one night.  A bit frazzled, I left Emily to hang out with the rest of the pre-schoolers as I sat on the periphery; observing, but not interfering with Emily.  And she was fine.  The remaining hour and a half, she sat when the other kids sat, she stood when the other kids stood, she colored when the other kids colored and she folded her hands and bowed her head, too, when the others prayed.  Emily held her own, following along.  (for the most part - she is only 4 after all.)  Sure, there were times when the assistants had to remind her to stay with the group or not to scream out when a story was being told, but, well, that's just Emily.  It didn't appear that it was something the leaders couldn't handle.  And when they did tell her to do something, she did it.  She didn't need me there last night and tonight either. Although I stayed again just in case the leaders needed help with her, I ended up fetching water and taking the other pre-schoolers to the potty.

 So, I realize I may have underestimated Emily and the others around her again.  I did see her tonight, amidst all the other kids who were shouting Jesus' name, looking around at them all.  And after they all finished shouting, she stood and screamed "Jesus!" just like the others had done.  I was proud of my little girl.  I didn't see the curious glances.  I saw a little girl who is learning the word 'Jesus' and will one day learn who Jesus is.   While I am still pretty certain she doesn't understand that everyone is there to give praise and sing about trusting God, or even understand who God is yet, I believe being there learning among other kids might be the best introduction. 

I was wrong - to assume that she wasn't ready to be around so many typical peers.  And that they wouldn't be ready to lead Emily.  Maybe it was me who wasn't ready to push her into a new situation - out of my comfort zone.  Maybe I was wrong to think holding her back was the best thing for her.  God, I love to be wrong...

I am considering not staying at VBS tomorrow night; not standing nearby observing and waiting for her to need me to intervene on her behalf.  I was discussing it with Shannon briefly tonight and she said something to the effect of  "that's what you ultimately want for her, right?"  It's true.  But it won't be easy for me to do.  I hope it goes okay.  I think it will.  I hope I'm not wrong...

Reds, Purple and Blue

Tom arrived home Friday evening to some girls that were screaming and jumping up and down when he pulled in the driveway.  At bedtime Casey wanted daddy to put her to bed and Emily wanted me to put her to bed.  She specifically told Tom that she did not want him to do it.  I noticed as each day went by that he was gone she became a little more clingy to me, and while she was excited to see him, she was used to only me tucking her in at night even when he returned.  After they were tucked, hugged, and kissed, Tom and I sat on the patio drank a couple of beers, smoked a cigar and caught up - relishing in the relief that the stress of the past few months was finally over. 

Saturday was low-key for all of us.  Golf, the pool, catching up on mail, and going to the library was the extent of our exertion.  I finished the evening by painting my nails and curling up with a book on my iPad and some wine in my glass. 

Today Tom is taking Casey to her first Reds game and she is way excited!!  I think she might be building something in her head about what a baseball game is like.  Tom thought so, too so he bought the cheap seat tickets.  I'm pretty sure she'll only last 2 or 3 innings before she's bored out of her mind and crestfallen when she realizes baseball is actually a slow paced game and she won't be able to actually talk to Joey Votto (who is her designated favorite player even though she knows nothing about the game).  She has been talking for weeks about needing a Joey Votto t-shirt to wear for today and I indulged her only because he just signed a 10 year contract with the Reds.  (It's nice knowing the shirt will be relevant for a while, so I bought it a size too big to get maximum use :)  I can't wait to hear how this outing goes!  Tom has been charged with taking lots of pictures for me, so I'll post them in the next blog.  There are many, many, many times Casey has had to sit through doctor and therapy appointments, countless tests and procedures and home visits from early intervention specialists for her sister.  Tom and I each try to just do one-on-one special things with Casey when we can.  As a member of our family a lot is asked of her in the way of patience and sacrifice sometimes.  I hope one day she looks back at these special days with fondness more than she looks back at the endless appointments she has been told to sit quietly through. 

Just e-mailed to me from the ball park!

I have promised to paint Emily's nails while Tom and Casey are at the game.  She has been asking me to paint her nails for a week now.  Even as I type this I shake my head, amazed, that she is able to make such a specific request.  I asked her this morning what color she wanted and she told me purple on her fingers and blue on her toes.  This is just cool stuff to witness.  For me anyway.  For a typical 4 year old, this is not news.  Even my 3 year old niece can tell me a story about how she likes to play with princesses and that she doesn't like Dora any more.  But that's not our Emily.  Even though her communication is more simplified, she is learning to share her opinion and observations more and more.  With her nails painted purple and blue respectively, she is trying to sing along with The Wiggles on TV right now as I type.  Again, I stop and observe that she is memorizing the songs and motions - that's got to mean some potential for learning, I'm sure.  Doesn't it??  I don't go through each day hanging on everything she does and wondering what it means for her future, but I do catch myself giving a mental high five when sister gets something.  Her diagnosis is so unknown; we just have no idea what her potential for learning and communicating will be.  But if she learns her colors by looking at them on her fingers or learns songs and expressions from 4 dudes singing on a DVD, then we will embrace it and try to apply those methods to help learn other things.

Her simple request for painted nails also makes me realize I don't have to worry so much about some fears I had in the months after she was born.  I worried that Emily would not be able to do typical kid things.  That her limitations would dominate her life.  But as I see how excited she is for me to paint her tiny little fingers and toes, I know deep down that she will most definitely want to do those typical little girl things that I had once worried would never be for her.  I look into the crystal ball in my head and see Casey, Emily and I at the spa getting our nails done together or watching Tom drive off with Emily taking her to her first Reds game.  And she does play with princesses and dolls in her own way.   In fact, I heard the bathroom door shut a few minutes ago and suspected she was up to no good.  I had my phone in hand because Tom sent me a picture of Casey arriving at the ballpark.  I opened up the door to see Emily sitting her doll, Abby, on the potty.  Luckily I saved Abby from the potential plunge she might have gotten, but not before I snapped a quick picture and gave a big mental high five for such great pretending and role playing :)

Yeah, we're doing typical little girl stuff here today - playing with dolls, going to a Reds game with daddy and painting nails Purple and Blue.  Color me happy.