Emily's Gift To Me

Emily's birthday is tomorrow and the day always brings on a flood of emotions for me.  Many of the sentimental thoughts I feel are the same as many other mothers' on their child's birthday.  Ebbing and flowing between the sweet memories of being a part of their first birthday in such a divine and special way, to pride at all they have accomplished in their years since, to the wistfulness of realizing that their birthdays are just another way to mark they are growing older and becoming closer to needing you less. 

Then there are the other thoughts and feelings I have as the mother of Emily:  Remembering the day doctors told us she was different and that none of our lives would ever be like we imagined it would be.  And the feeling that God is blessing her and us with success and health we never dreamed of after she was diagnosed.  And, mostly, the joy she has brought to our lives. 

A birthday hasn't gone by that at some point this thought has not entered my head: 'Emily is the child we never knew we wanted but God knew we needed.' 

Each year on her birthday, I drag out the soapbox and try to share via social networking how awful and hurtful the word retarded is, or how others can be compassionate to people with special needs without worrying they will say something to offend anyone, or to promote the special abilities my daughter has despite her disabilities.  This year, I don't have such words for anyone.  I'm just feeling happy.  Emily has accomplished so much this past year -  awareness and comprehension and speech and learning.  It's all good. 

And if you don't know by now, in the year 2013, to not use the word retarded, then you just might be destined to live stunted in a society that is becoming more accepting of people with special needs and less tolerant of such a word.  And if you follow my posts on Facebook or this blog, then you know how special my daughter is and how much I love both of my girls.  So I might devote a bit of this year's birthday essay to writing about myself.

As Emily grows, so do I.  I know I would not be the person I am today without either of my girls.  Having kids makes me want to be a better person; an example for my girls.  And while I'm certain they will each have a list of  'Crap My Mom Did That I Am Sooo Not Going To Do When I Grow Up,'  I know what I am doing will help shape them into the ladies they will become one day.  So who knows who I would be without either of them.  But I am especially aware of some of the things I am because of being Emily's mom.

I have always been one of the most insecure people I know.  This doesn't necessarily mean I am weak because of it, but it is something I've had to overcome.  Sports and a some special friendships helped get me through high school, but the fear of failure was always with me.  College was almost crippling for me.  I was surrounded by girls that were beautiful, smart, and it seemed without any of the social awkwardness I constantly felt.  It took me a long time to accept that the true friendships I had made in college were real and I was deserving of them.  And while college was truly one of the best and most amazing times of my life, it was also one of the hardest to endure. 

Upon graduating from college, I recognized the only way for me to move forward into the person I wanted to be was to move away from most everything and everyone I knew from those 4 years.  Before we all determine that this post is a pity party for some crazy 30-something mom, hear me out.  It's all relevant, I promise.  It always ate me up that I cared so much about what people think or was constantly worried about trying and failing at something or looking stupid.  As much as I tried, I could not overcome these things with the ease I wished for.  Getting married, becoming a mom, and just growing older all has helped me become more confident and secure.  And going to Wal-Mart, because I always feel like I'm owning it when I'm there ;)  But Tom, Casey, Emily and father time have helped me evolve from the person I was in my 20's into the person I've become in my 30's.  But being Emily's mom has helped me overcome the insecurity in myself that has plagued me since I was young. 

Because when your daughter is born and doctors tell you she will be "mildly to moderately mentally retarded" (those were the actual words from a geneticist), your perception of what failure is, and caring about what others think gets an about face turn.  This, my friends, is a reality check dished out with a slap to the face and a knife to the heart.  When this tiny girl gets handed such an unfair deal at birth, and you realize she will have to live every day of it because God chose her and you to care for her, let's just say caring about yourself and your own insecurities takes a back seat.  Shit gets real.  

This self awareness doesn't happen overnight.  It's been very gradual over the past 5 years.  Because babies are babies.  Until she has to wear a helmet to help reshape her head and everyone in public looks at her and you.  And you have to hold your head up, add sparkles to that little helmet and pretend that's it's all good.  (I actually told a waitress at Frisch's who was being rude once that Emily needed to wear a helmet because I drop her on her head a lot.  In the absense of confidence, I've always found sarcasm to be effective :)

Your problems become trivial when you realize your baby has to undergo an 8 hour surgery to fuse her spine to make her safe.  And then you get more looks in public when she has to wear a brace for 4 months after surgery.  Feeling sorry for yourself doesn't really apply when your daughter comes out of major surgery smiling.

And worrying about failing?  Please.  How could I ever worry about failing again at something when I know my daughter will not be able to accomplish so much of what comes easily to me?  

These are just examples of things that Emily has obviously had to overcome, but me as well.  It does not come naturally to me to disregard what others are thinking when Emily is acting different or speaks differently.  I'd be lying if I said that what people think doesn't ever get to me now, but it has become easier.  I can't explain how, though.  Maybe it's any mama bear's unconditional love or just part of the gift package that came with Emily when God gave her us.  I like that. - Thinking of each of my girls as not only a gift to us from God, but a package deal that comes with bonus gifts for us to enjoy.  You know, like getting the gift set instead of just one item.  Or like getting the value meal.  If only I would have known 5 years ago when Emily was born that her package included things for me like a dose of self security, new found confidence, inner peace and even a power that comes with the responsibility of taking care of someone special...

 It only makes me wonder what else this girl's gift set has in store for me.  I could be one real bad ass woman by the time she grows up :)  We are looking forward to celebrating the big 5 tomorrow!