Plans

As I put Casey to bed tonight I actually didn't even know what day today is.  I'm lost in this week.  It's Wednesday, by the way, and it's been a long week already.  We have a night time ritual and Casey needs this ritual from me as much as she needs air.  Or Barbie.  For years she has asked me 'What are we going to do all these days?'  It's a poorly phrased question that started when she was somewhere between a toddler and a pre-schooler and I wouldn't think of suggesting she change it.  What she wants to know is what we have planned for the next few days before she goes to sleep.  I know it's more than just routine for her.  She feels comfort in knowing what's in store for her and us.  She loves a good surprise but needs, as most kids do, some predictability as well.  Tom and I are like that, too.  We're planners.  Is it nature or is it nurture?  Who knows.  It just is.  But as we all know too well life is anything but predictable.  As I see it (because I'm a list maker) it can only be planned in outline form, with the headings written down next to the uppercase letters and the bullet points left open, waiting for fate to fill them in. 

I love watching my girls sleep.  It never gets old for me.

 Tom and I went away for the weekend (without kids) to Indianapolis.  Mom and dad came here on Friday to watch the girls for us.  The only plans we had (written in uppercase letters) was going to the Brothers of the Sun concert Saturday evening.  We figured the bullet points would just get filled in while we were there.  Not to un-romanticize our weekend, but here's the outline version of it:

A. GO TO TIM McGRAW/KENNY CHESNEY CONCERT IN INDIANAPOLIS

•      Go to several random bars Friday evening and watch Jen eat an entire basket of nachos, drink too many beers, encounter (what Tom thought were) some swingers, have a Rod Stewart sighting (not really), eat dinner at blues joint, enjoy some great blues music, share a cigar together and crash back at hotel where Jen passes out way too early.

At The Slippery Noodle Inn

I'm sure this is what Tom was seeing when he took this pic somewhere downtown

Tell me this guy doesn't look like Rod Stewart!! (or Don Johnson...)

•      Wake up Saturday to not have to scrub Nutella off every kitchen surface, walk all over downtown Indianapolis trying to find coffee and eggs to eat, hold hands while walking around all day like we used to before we had kids to drag out of on-coming traffic, drink Starbucks and read in peace and quiet while Tom ran on a scenic path.

Before concert

•      Grab a bite to eat at some place where I'm sure there wasn't a kids' menu, then go to an amazing concert and have a complete blast with Tom drinking and singing along (off key) the entire concert (me singing, not Tom), then crash back at hotel where Jen passes out way too early again.

During concert

•      Wake up Sunday and know that a big Cracker Barrel breakfast will be the deciding factor as to whether Jen gets sick or not and watch Tom shake his head at such a spectacle and then head on home to children who are so happy to see us.

It really was a nice time away for the two of us.  We counted on the way out of town and this was only the 4th time we've left our girls overnight.  So it was well deserved and a lot of fun.  Of course, it was good to see them when we returned, but, honestly, it was nice to have a little distance between the girls and I for a short time.  July is the point in the summer when the whining comes around full swing and the 'I'm bored's' are too much to take.  Vacation is coming up soon and the outline says nothing but BEACH.  The bullet points will be filled in, but I'm hoping they are the good bullet points.  Like the ones from our weekend away.  Yesterday's bullet points, however, couldn't have been predicted. 

We came home to Emily wearing Papa's shoes and serving Nana cookies

Yesterday started out like any random Tuesday morning this summer.  Casey gets up ridiculously early and eats breakfast and settles in to some cartoons.  Emily and I get up and go to Dunkin' Donuts for my decaf coffee and come home to get breakfast for us.  Tom is getting ready for work. somewhere between his many cups of coffee which I cannot drink.  I sent Casey up to take a shower.  Tom was in the adjacent room from her getting ready.  I hear a thud and then Tom screaming my name.  Here are the facts that have been pieced together: Casey, while in the shower, tells Tom her head is hurting, then starts to cry and tell him it is really, really hurting bad.  He goes in to talk to her and sees she is bracing herself up with her hands on the walls.  She later told us at this point, her head went like 'boom' and then she passed out cold.  He picked her up and laid her on the floor and then started screaming for me.  By the time I get there she is waking up but panicked, telling me her neck feels rubbery and cannot hold up her head and she can't feel her toes, although she can wiggle them when I ask her to.  She then begins to say her arm hurts and her back hurts.  We throw ourselves in the car and took off for Children's.  We are seen immediately and basically she is back to herself within the hour of the episode.  They did an EKG and some other test, but said she was fine and we should just push fluids, and to know lots of kids pass out.  A shout out to my friend, Mandy, who got her kids out of bed to come pick up Emily from the hospital so we could focus on Casey.

Casey checking in at the ER

Casey wasn't remembering everything the rest of the day, so I called her pediatrician so she could be seen today.  I was pretty worried yesterday and last night.  No, more like scared.  No, more like good old-fashioned freaked out.  Was this a one-time freak thing?  Was it a migraine?   Was it a symptom of an aneurysm or mass in her head?  Her pediatrician did a neurological exam today and assessed what I had today - she is completely fine and back to normal.  And I know.  I wasn't more than 6 feet from her side all day long.  I was waiting for another episode.  But she is 100% fine.  And I pray and hope and wish she stays that way.  Forever.  It's hard being a parent.

Getting set up for an EKG

I am reeling from yesterday.  I have some pretty strong emotions about it all.  If I am being completely honest, I have found I might be more prepared for something bad to happen to Emily.  I will be very clear for those who might be prone to misinterpretation - I do not want something bad to happen to one of my girls more than the other.  That's silly.  A mother's love does not favor.  Unless one of them is behaving better... but I digress :)  Maybe I've taken Casey and her health and her future for granted compared to Emily's.  God, I hope not.  But I was not prepared as a mom to even think that something might be wrong with Casey.  It sounds awful.  Emily is a healthy kid who is maturing and developing wonderfully.  But we've been hit with some fairly big hurdles and know maybe deep down there will be more even though nothing is foreseen.  We know Emily will have challenges developmentally and as much as we aren't prepared for future challenges, we still are.  Our biggest worry for Casey since ear tubes has been will she be able to overcome her bossiness in order to make friends :)  I am rocked.  I cannot and will not go into any further detail on how I feel because it will sound awful in print.  Maybe another parent who has a special needs kid and a typical kid would understand.  Tom and I talked about it, so I've gotten it off my chest. 

Popsicles (and ice cream) make everything better

After seeing her pediatrician, I feel good about not needing further testing thus far.  I feel good about getting the second opinion and she really is fine.  Heck, she was running around with friends yesterday afternoon like nothing happened.  But the worry is still there for me.  And if we've learned anything from having Emily it is we really don't know what's going to happen to any of our kids but we will do our best to rise up to the occasion and pick them up (off the shower floor if necessary) and be the best parents possible for them.  We've got outlines for our girls' futures written in our heads like every parent does but we can only plan so much before everything else just fills itself in.  For a planner like me, that kind of unknown is scary, but I also know lots of those bullet points will be really good things.  I'm planning for it.