I had to get some things off my chest about the recent events. My thoughts are not well organized or well written, but I felt was something I needed to write about here.
My little blog here is a diary of my family for my family. Typically, the only rants I'll go on are about my kids and special needs awareness. I have avoided personal commentary on social events like the recent presidential election because, while I'm not afraid to voice my opinion on something, one day when my girls look back at my composition of memories, I don't think they'll find that noteworthy. (If they have any memory at all, they will remember the colorful conversations Tom and I had here at home about such external matters...especially this past presidential election :).
There are headlines galore with celebrity scandals, terrorism, and wars across the oceans, all which leave a mark on our minds each day. With news broadcasting 24 hours a day via TV, computers, tablets and phones, honestly, it sometimes seems I've become immune to the bad news. Certainly more numb. Live coverage from a shooting in a movie theatre seems to be almost as expected as the breaking news from the sidewalk where 2" of snow has fallen. But yesterday the world seemed to shift off balance towards the scary side even further.
This event is weighing on me heavily the last 24 hours. I described to a neighbor today that I feel all messed up in the head because of it. So I am going to write about this now for what feels like all the wrong, awful, morbid reasons: I wonder, what next?
One day in the future, when my girls are flipping the pages of the book of mommy's blog, in between the one where Emily found the who-bought-what Christmas list and the one where we baked Christmas cookies, they will read about the day the little kids were killed at school. And I can only wonder what kind of world they will be living in then. Will they already be numb to this kind of thing? And what will be the new horrific news event that will undoubtedly trump this? It makes me sick.
Yesterday twenty 6 and 7 year olds were murdered while at school. (By my experience with first grade), probably sometime between taking off their coats and doing their morning table work that might have involved counting by 5's or practicing spelling words like 'can' and 'off.' Last year Casey was in first grade. Most first graders are still excited to go to school to learn the new way to add numbers up and down and not just in a row. Or getting to bring in a soccer trophy to show to the class. First graders color pictures for friends and are proud to have mastered tying shoelaces. You still get hugs from your teacher in first grade. You don't get shot by a random madman.
It's awful and horrific and disgusting and everything else I cannot articulate right now. And yet, this event will undoubtedly be only one to out-do. What has this world we live in become? It's like nothing is sacred anymore. Society has lost God. That can be the only answer. In the last 24 hours, if I try to pray to God, I only feel like I am praying to someone sad. Almost like, He has His head in His hands, peeking through His giant fingers with tears and looking at our world and wondering how did we bring ourselves to this point.
The moral compass of so many people is so far gone that I don't think passing new laws is even going to stop anyone. If that were the case, simply, 'Thau Shall Not Kill' would be enough. The fear of meeting our Maker one day and being judged seems to no longer hold any weight. God is not the rockstar of our society. Living in a world where shock value is rewarded with media attention and fame seems to produce the people that become role models and celebrities. This glory will most always motivate people to find ways around the laws if they wish to gain media fame.
It's the year 2012 and my girls are 8 and 4. I am so scared for what world they will see and be living in when they are in their 30's like me. I am documenting these emotions I am feeling today as an landmark in our lives. I think of how far the landscape of our society has slipped in the years since I was in elementary school and I shudder to imagine where we are going in the next 30 years. Will one day Casey and Emily look back on how I am feeling about this tragedy and be like 'Oh, you thought that was bad, mom, look at what is happening now.'
Maybe tomorrow I will be a little more optimistic about the world we live in. I do tend to have a flare for the dramatic. But this feels big and heavy and important. And so I will continue to pray to the God I imagine to be heavy hearted now. I'm praying, not only for all of those families in Connecticut, but praying for the people who have lost God in their lives. And for the children who have to grow up in a world where they have to try to make sense of this all.
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